Buah Pelir Scalded, Aiyoh Pain Pain!

Today hah, I went to my cousin house. Then hor, she went kitchen want make hot milo for me. I see hah, her bumbum shake shake I went pinch her bumbum. Then hor, she dropped the flask of hot water.

The hot water spilled on my buah pelir man! Aiyoh, pain pain. My buah pelir kena lecur. Very very malu also leh. I quickly take off my panty and everybody saw my kemaluan. Wah lou niamah kwai lan, my buah pelir become half-cooked eggs.

Then hor, banyak celaka. Johnny the German Shepherd ran inside kitchen and sodomee my backside. Sutadee sama gua hah!

Vely the sueh today.

No understand!

First, we see a bog of you not see him you can call the neighbours contact numbers and saw training what to look out for the home.

Second sometime you can cut bushes to give neighbours can see you in home and hide to easily broken in windows and doors.

After, some time you get out you home let radia and lights on even you are notat home burglas think people are at home.

Last you can use this to not give burglars in your home.

Papa and Mama Kwai Lan also.

Today I ponteng school. Then hor, I take fresh air near the big longkang full of rubbish and saw butterfly. I hit the butterfly and it fell on the road. I step on it. Then my papa come to me and tell me cannot do this again. He say if it kill butterfly again, I will not have butter for one year.

After that hor, I want play badminton. Suddenly got one bee flying and I smash bee with racket. Again papa come tell me cannot kill bee. Papa say honey come from bee and if I kill one more bee, no honey for one year.

Sad I went inside house to drink water. Kitchen there, I see a cockroach on the floor and mama quickly step on it to kill it. I quickly run outside to ask papa if he want to tell mama or not. Papa tell me to tell mama what I want to tell mama.

So I run back inside the house to the kitchen and tell mama "Papa say you will not have cock for one year".

Whylah mama suddenly got angry and slap me? Then papa come in and also angry and kick my piku.

Vely sad today.

Come Out Newspaper!!

Wah lou eh. Today I come out newspaper leh. Newspaper say I hero somemore. Wah, must keep this newspaper long long. Here newspaper say:

MUAR: Traffic came to a standstill at the Muar bridge last night. An idiot stopped his car in the middle of Jalan Salleh and tried to show off to his girlfriend that he could swim across the river to the Giant Hypermarket. He jumped in and started swimming. But before he could reach the halfway mark, he started to panic and started to shout for help.

A crowd started to gather. Vehicles jammed the bridge as inconsiderate drivers and passengers alighted to watch and yet no attempt was made by anybody to save that poor chap.

Suddenly a fat boy was seen jumping down from Muar bridge into the river. The loud splash caught everyone's attention and the crowd turned to see the fat boy doing what seemed like a desperate attempt to reach the drowning victim. It was clear that this hero couldn't swim!

The crowd gasped in horror as the both of them were drowning and screaming out for help. Luckily a fisherman in his sampan was passing by and he saw the incident and picked both of them from the water. The crowd cheered !

Back on shore, the crowd cheered again as the hero stepped off the sampan. "Steady Lah !" and "Awright, man !" were among the many congratulations shouted.

The hero looked angry and shouted "Ka ni na! Niahmahfulat! Kwai lan! Siang tu wa loh chui?" (*%#@! Who pushed me into the water?")

Hokkien Wei.

Gua si Hokkien lang.
Kah lu kong Hokkien wei.

Gua si Hokkien kia.
Anak sulung is Tua kia.
Anak bongsu is Beh kia.
Tapi gua si Chiao kia.

Ah Sir call me Si lang kia.
Kawan call me Chap cheng kia.
Children is Ginna kia.
Boss son is Towkay kia.

Give birth is se kia.
Polis is mata kia.
Small house is chu kia.
Small pig is tu kia.

Puppy is kao kia.
Kitten is niaw kia.
Chicken is kueh kia.
Rabbit is thor kia.

Killed-in-action is KIA.
Korean car is also Kia.
Furniture is Ikia.
Handphone is Nokia.

Chinese is Tenglang kia.
Malay is Huan kia.
Indian is Keleng kia.
Gwailo is Angmoh kia.

Bad people is Pai Kia.
Good people is Ho Kia.

Lu kong bo wa kong. Wa kong bo lu kong.
Siapa Gong kia?

Limpehkahlukong,
Gua kia su.
Gua kia si.
Gua bo kia bor tapi kia bo bor.
Gua bo kia chenghu tapi kia kwee kia.

Lu lang kong gua kia si lang,
Yellow is Ng kia.
Fat is Pui kia.
Pig is Tu kia.

Limpehkahlukong,
Yellow Fat Pig is siau kia.

Vely lucky oh!

Just now hor, I go out walk walk take fresh air so I won't angry with Ah Sir. Then hor, I saw something on the road.

This brown brown thing look like shit leh. Maybe dog shit. So hor, I bent down and smell smell to see if it smell like shit. Hmm, it smell quite like shit leh.

Then hor, I poke finger into it and then then put finger into my mouth to taste taste it to see if it taste like shit.

Really leh. that brown brown thing really dog shit leh.


Lucky I no step on it!!! Vely vely lucky oh!!!

Kwai Lan

My Ah Sir vely kwai lan one.

I kena langgar lori, pao tao go to school walk pai kah and head vely pain. Reach class, Ah Sir stop me and ask me go home. He say I oledi sick so no need exam today.

I say don't care I want sit exam. So, he say he will test me first and see if I can sit exam.

Ah Sir: What is the opposite of boy?

YF Pig: Girl lah.

Ah Sir: Wah, vely good leh. Now, what is the opposite of cock?

YF Pig: Chee Bai lah.

Ah Sir got vely angry. He slap me, wallop my head, kick my backside and tell me get lost. I dunno why. Whole class laughing also.

This Ah Sir si pei kwai lan one. I answer right also he angry. Now I cannot sit exam. Dielah.

Wait father come home I tell father. Then we go to school see teacher. Where can like that? I answer right also kena one.

Oooh Arrrghhhh!

Vely sad news to announce.

I call my friend tell him got secret want to tell him. He ask me to go to his house. But I tak faham why he ask me spill the beans and don't keep something to myself.

So, I keep something in my pocket and want go to pasar malam to sell beans. Traffic light there, I cross road. Stupid traffic light suddenly turn red and say 'Don't Walk'. So I don't walk lah. I stand there no walk because got police the other side.

Stupid lorry suddenly come bang me......

Ingaporengeh!

YF Pig Sum Wan: Hello, can I speak to my mother ah?

Mdm Sori: Who is your motherlah?

YF Pig Sum Wan: Annie Wan!

Mdm Sori: Hah, anyone also can be your mother ar?

YF Pig Sum Wan: You don't kacau kacaulah. I want to speak to my mother Annie Wan.

Mdm Sori : Oklah then like that you can speak to me.

YF Pig Sum Wan: No, i want to speak to my mother Annie Wan!

Mdm Sori : You are talking to someone! Who is this?

YF Pig Sum Wan : I'm Yellow Fat Pig Sum Wan and I need to talk to my mother Annie Wan! Vely urgent.

Mdm Sori : I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

YF Pig Sum Wan: Well just tell my mother Annie Wan that sister was involved in an accident. know Wan got injured and now know Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.

Mdm Sori : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isnt an urgent matter! You may find this funny but i dont have time for this!!!

YF Pig Sum Wan: You are rude. Who are you?

Mdm Sori : I'm Sori.

YF Pig Sum Wan: You should be sorry. Now give me your name!

Mdm Sori : I'm Sori!!

YF Pig Sum Wan: I dont like your tone of voice and I don't care, give me your name!

Mdm Sori : Look mister, I told you already I'm Sori! I'm Sori!! I'm SORI!!! you didn't even give me your name!

YF Pig Sum Wan: I told u before I'm Sum Wan! Sum Wan!!! You better be careful . My father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the company. He is know Buddy.

Mdm Sori : Oh I'm so scared(sarcastically). Look I don't care about your uncle he's a nobody. Everybody thinks he's top dog and holding an important position in the company.

YF Pig Sum Wan : No Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesn't work there.

Mdm Sori : Like I said I don't care which one of your aunt screws everybody and I also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!!

YF Pig Sum Wan : Wheech Wan is my sis!

Mdm. Sori : I dont know which one is your sis! Why in god's name u think I do!?

Toot....Toot....Toot.................

You no speak English ar?

1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside my house to peep neighbour girl mandi. But she saw me, so I panic and 4 down. Her father rush out and wanted to 5 with me. I run until near Malay graveyard in Jalan Bakri and I fall 6 and throw out. So I go into 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him.

Then I took a 9 and try to stab him. 10 God he run away. So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Today, I call my school and say I 6 cannot come exam. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come 4 exam. He also ask me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand, I so nice 2 him but I dont know what he 1.